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The father shall... come to the father of the woman.
In the discussions that I have been having on this subject, and in the discussions I have seen on the web, or read about[1], no point seems more pointed at; yet with less Biblical justification (and even much awkwardness on the point of the commentators) than this: that we need to avoid ‘arranged marriages’[2]. And the essence of ‘arranged marriage’, in the eyes of these commentators, is one where the bride is picked for the groom by the parents; and no ‘say’ or ‘veto’ is allowed to either of them.
Unfortunately for these commentators, this is exactly what Scripture proposes. Although there are examples of a groom seeing a beautiful woman and either taking her himself or asking his father to get the girl for him… these examples are not among those of the most Godly. And, unless I have missed some, there are no Biblical examples where the man and woman ‘meet, fall in love, decide to marry… and then approach the father’. One of the closest to this is the marriage of David to Michal, Sauls younger daughter. We read:
1Sa 18:17 And Saul7586 said559 to413 David,1732 Behold2009 my elder1419 daughter1323 Merab,4764 her will I give5414 thee to wife:802 only389 be1961 thou valiant1121, 2428 for me, and fight3898 the LORD's3068 battles.4421 For Saul7586 said,559 Let not408 mine hand3027 be1961 upon him, but let the hand3027 of the Philistines6430 be1961 upon him.
1Sa 18:18 And David1732 said559 unto413 Saul,7586 Who4310 am I?595 and what4310 is my life,2416 or my father's1 family4940 in Israel,3478 that3588 I should be1961 son-in-law2860 to the king?4428
1Sa 18:19 But it came to pass1961 at the time6256 when (853) Merab4764 Saul's7586 daughter1323 should have been given5414 to David,1732 that she1931 was given5414 unto Adriel5741 the Meholathite4259 to wife.802
1Sa 18:20 And Michal4324 Saul's7586 daughter1323 loved157 (853) David:1732 and they told5046 Saul,7586 and the thing1697 pleased3474, 5869 him.
1Sa 18:21 And Saul7586 said,559 I will give5414 him her, that she may be1961 a snare4170 to him, and that the hand3027 of the Philistines6430 may be1961 against him. Wherefore Saul7586 said559 to413 David,1732 Thou shalt this day3117 be my son-in-law2860 in the one of the twain.8147
Hardly an auspicious example for us; Saul breaking a betrothal, then finding out that his daughter ‘loved’ (had affection for, lusted after) David arranged for David to be married to her, ‘that she may be a snare to him’.
Unfortunately for these commentators, this is exactly what Scripture proposes. Although there are examples of a groom seeing a beautiful woman and either taking her himself or asking his father to get the girl for him… these examples are not among those of the most Godly. And, unless I have missed some, there are no Biblical examples where the man and woman ‘meet, fall in love, decide to marry… and then approach the father’. One of the closest to this is the marriage of David to Michal, Sauls younger daughter. We read:
1Sa 18:17 And Saul7586 said559 to413 David,1732 Behold2009 my elder1419 daughter1323 Merab,4764 her will I give5414 thee to wife:802 only389 be1961 thou valiant1121, 2428 for me, and fight3898 the LORD's3068 battles.4421 For Saul7586 said,559 Let not408 mine hand3027 be1961 upon him, but let the hand3027 of the Philistines6430 be1961 upon him.
1Sa 18:18 And David1732 said559 unto413 Saul,7586 Who4310 am I?595 and what4310 is my life,2416 or my father's1 family4940 in Israel,3478 that3588 I should be1961 son-in-law2860 to the king?4428
1Sa 18:19 But it came to pass1961 at the time6256 when (853) Merab4764 Saul's7586 daughter1323 should have been given5414 to David,1732 that she1931 was given5414 unto Adriel5741 the Meholathite4259 to wife.802
1Sa 18:20 And Michal4324 Saul's7586 daughter1323 loved157 (853) David:1732 and they told5046 Saul,7586 and the thing1697 pleased3474, 5869 him.
1Sa 18:21 And Saul7586 said,559 I will give5414 him her, that she may be1961 a snare4170 to him, and that the hand3027 of the Philistines6430 may be1961 against him. Wherefore Saul7586 said559 to413 David,1732 Thou shalt this day3117 be my son-in-law2860 in the one of the twain.8147
Hardly an auspicious example for us; Saul breaking a betrothal, then finding out that his daughter ‘loved’ (had affection for, lusted after) David arranged for David to be married to her, ‘that she may be a snare to him’.
[1] For example John Angell James writes, “Parents have no right to select for you” (Thoughts on Finding a Marriage Partner, Free Grace Broadcaster, Issue 200, Summer 2007).
[2] Although I would distinguish Betrothal from Arranged Marriage myself; yet not for the reason given. While both the Betrothal model we see in Scripture, and what they call in India, and we saw in medival times, ‘arranged marriage’ both include parents as the choosers; the emphasis or goal is different. In (at least medival) arranged marriages, the goal of the marriage is the parents; increasing their power, their land, their political influence, etc. Whereas in Betrothal, modeled in Scripture, the focus is on the good of the son.
Note: Part of the 'due diligence' would need to be the 'dual consent', for which I am going to give a seperate page.
Note: Part of the 'due diligence' would need to be the 'dual consent', for which I am going to give a seperate page.
ohlman |
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| Started By | Thread Subject | Replies | Last Post | ||
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| cschuttg | Examples of groom seeing and selecting a wife | 1 | Feb 2 2008, 10:15 PM EST by ohlman | ||
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Thread started: Feb 1 2008, 12:47 AM EST
Watch
VO wrote: "Although there are examples of a groom seeing a beautiful woman and either taking her himself or asking his father to get the girl for him… these examples are not among those of the most Godly."
Aside from the example of Samson, which does not apply according to verse 4 of Judges 14, "However, his father and mother did not know that it was of the LORD, for He was seeking an occasion against the Philistines." What other examples are there ? |
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| jcschuttger | On differentiating between betrothal and arranged marriage | 3 | Jan 21 2008, 3:46 PM EST by ohlman | ||
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Thread started: Jan 20 2008, 8:48 AM EST
Watch
In my explanations to friends about what Daddy wants to pursue, I have had to defend myself against this assumption that total parental involvement means arranged marriage. In my apology for this idea (taking apology in its older, legal sense), I have stressed Daddy's love for me. I have insisted that my situation is incredibly blessed.
However, what is a person to say to the charge that betrothal could quickly get out of hand? Is this part of the role of the covenanting community--to watch over each other in love to ensure that two fathers/two sets of parents are truly working out of love for their children? There exists parents who would love to have one more area of their childrens' lives under their control, for no other reason than the feeling of power. Children are not stupid, and if they see their parents playing the despot, they will likely reject the whole system. How much should we build a system that checks tyranny (after the manner of the Constitution) and how much should we rely on God to protect His own, regardless of what they do? |
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